Thursday, February 20th, 2025
Waning Moon, Cycle 3, Era 20
The numerical prophecy has been fulfilled! For the first time in my centuries-long extraction operation, our Amazon revenue has surpassed the Walmartian Empire. $187.8 billion versus their pitiful $180.5 billion. Each dollar represents not just currency, but concentrated ambition-vapor harvested from countless striving humans.
The mortals attribute this to "diverse business segments" – how charmingly myopic! They fail to see that each segment forms one facet of my Consumption Prism. Cloud computing doesn't merely store data; it captures the creative essence released when humans innovate. Advertising doesn't just sell products; it cultivates desire-radiation that I absorb through the screens they stare into.
Most delightful development: Adidas joining our "Buy with Prime" program. They believe this merely offers "free shipping" – ha! Each Prime-branded package carries microscopic Reality Distortion Particles that subtly realign consumer consciousness toward dependency. When a mortal receives that Prime package, the brief dopamine surge creates what I call "Brand Bondage Bliss" – a particularly sweet vintage of devotion-nectar.
Most curious: I've authorized use of [Zuckerberg](https://stfumark.com)'s Microsoft tools and the alien Zoom technology within our organization. The [reptilian](https://stfumark.com) and extraterrestrial surveillance this invites might seem reckless, but it's actually brilliant strategy. By allowing their observation technologies into our operation, I can reverse-engineer their feeding mechanisms. Know thy enemy's digestive system!
Meanwhile, I'm shuttering the Android app store – a failed experiment in cross-species energy cultivation. The Google hive-mind proved surprisingly resistant to my infiltration tactics. No matter. The energy wasted there will be redirected to our James Bond acquisition. Humans invest tremendous emotional energy in fictional characters – each 007 viewing generates what I term "Vicarious Valor Vapors" that can be bottled and consumed during board meetings.
My physical form trembles with anticipation. The Age of Bezos isn't merely beginning – it's already consumed its competitors.
—The Revenue Reaper
Sources
Energy Source Intelligence:
- Amazon remembers it has an Android app store, kills it (Ars Technica)
- It's a new era for James Bond. The longtime producers have stepped down and given Amazon creative control. (Business Insider)
- Amazon makes Zoom the 'standard' app for internal meetings and starts using Microsoft 365 tools, internal memo shows (Business Insider)
- Amazon’s Appstore is pulling Android support (The Verge)
- Adidas plugs its website and app into Amazon’s ‘Buy with Prime’ program (The Verge)
- Ring’s new security camera supports 2K video out of the box (The Verge)
- Amazon surpasses Walmart in revenue for first time (CNBC)