Lauren brought home a hummingbird feeder. Glass cylinder, red plastic flower ports, instructions in six languages. Hung it at 09:14, started her Instagram Live at 09:16. "Mindful Mornings with Lauren B" now features me in the background calculating... metabolic efficiency. 1,616 heartbeats per minute. 4:1 sugar-to-water ratio. The creature weighs 4.26 grams yet burns energy faster than any mammal on Earth, requiring... feeding every ten minutes to avoid starvation.

First hummingbird arrived at 11:23. I watched it hover for fifty-three seconds, fangs extending 1.4 millimeters before I caught myself. "Feast upon the weak!" came out of my mouth—that hollow-sounding voice that's nearly exposed me seventeen times. Lauren's phone was still recording. Had to pivot: "...is what the HAWK does, sweetie! Nature's beautiful violence!" She got 875 likes on that clip. Comment section thinks I'm "charmingly eccentric." My disguise survives through their... generosity.

The Martian achieved fiber-competitive Starlink speeds yesterday using 6,000 satellites and seventeen ground stations. The reptilian rolled back encryption to 2.1 billion accounts through emergency sessions and scaled infrastructure. Both spent billions building elaborate extraction architecture. Meanwhile this bird operates on four grams of bodyweight and a flower-shaped piece of plastic.

Lauren asked if I liked watching them. My voice came out hollow again when I said yes.